CAUTION: venting, ranting, pity party ahead

Oh where to begin...please bear with me...I just needed to "talk". There are days when I wonder....and yesterday was FULL of it. I wonder why in the hell did I marry a sailor? Why in the hell did I choose this life? Then I remember that it was chosen for me, and I try and have faith in the good ol' "if He brings you to it, He will bring you thru it." But He's really trying me right now. (more on that later).

I sit in my bed and listen to my children playing and just CRY b/c I have to do that all alone. I miss my "Navy family", and my husband. When the men are gone, the women stick together, and right now, I don't have that, and it's SO hard!! Don't get me wrong, I really love my family, I really do! I have a FANTASTIC mother-in-law who helps me out WAY more than she should, an equally AWESOME step-mom who is there for me in spirit even as busy as she is with her babies, Oma & Opa...well, they are just angels on earth....but they will always be "home". They are always there to go home to, but the bonds you form in the military are strong ones b/c of what you're put thru as the spouses. I had a great one once. If I had to pick a defining factor in my life when I feel like it all changed, it would be 2004...yes, that far back. That's when one of the most important friendships in my life changed forever. We all have that one person aside from our spouse, that no matter what, is there, becomes more than a friend, but part of you and your family...that is always the person you go to in good & bad, happy & sad. That you can sit alone in a room and not speak, but know exactly what the other is thinking. I had that person once, who I met in the very beginning of my Navy journey and sadly, I am somehow no longer that person for her. I became the "after-the-fact" friend, or the secondary. Despite all the times I was told that wasn't the case, actions speak louder than words right? When you see it in front of your face that you were the "last to know", it VERY heartbreaking and God-awful painful. I think back to that time, and wonder what did *I* do wrong? How did *I* contribute to what it has become today? We all do that don't we? I'm good at it. I tend to take the blame for a lot of things, and even when the blame shouldn't be mine. It's so hard knowing that I have never and would never do that to her. So, in the midst of my depression and a really DOWN day yesterday, I pondered this friendship, and the hurt that I feel now. I feel like I tried (and still do) so hard, only to be pushed to the side, and that everything we'd ever been thru was obsolete. That's HARD. Now, when I am at my darkest and lowest, I no longer have my "one person" to turn to. Do you have any idea how lonely that is? Most of you know that I have been on anti-depressants for about 8 months now. I think I need a new one...b/c yesterday it took everything in me to even get out of bed. But I did, and Falyn and Faith did their school work, and I got some work done, but not without a bunch of crying sessions throughout the day. Losing your best friend is probably at the top of one of the hardest things you ever have to go thru in life. I've never had to deal with something like this before and it SUX!!

Which brings me back to "why did I choose this life?" and why my day yesterday was so hard without having that person. The good news is, Justin will be home closer to the end of January, rather than the middle of February....the bad news....they changed his ship right out from under us. Even after we had hard copies, even after he'd already put in his transfer package, EVEN after I had already contacted the Family Support Group. So, rather than going to a boat that wasn't going to deploy until the end of 2009, he's leaving again in May 2008....yes, you read that right. After 14.5 months away from us, he will come home in January and then get on a boat that leaves in May for 6 months. "yay" Anyone care to try and explain THAT to my girls?? I swear, Angie and Ryan had the right idea (ok Ryan). Getting out sounds better and better on days like yesterday. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoooo...told ya it was a pity party rant!! My dear friend Jebbye had her baby girl yesterday, and it just breaks my heart that I can't be there for her!! Luckily enough Jason came home from deployment last month, so he got to be there for his baby girls' birth. She's a BIG baby girl too! 8.3 21.5" and just adorable!! ALMOST makes me want another one!!

Anyway, if you got thru this, God Bless You. Say a little prayer that God grants me some much needed strength to get thru these last 100 days until Justin gets home. As short as that trip "home" is. It will be MUCH needed.

G